Thursday, April 09, 2009

Thursday, July 10, 2008
Heavy Subject Matter
Current mood: stressed
Category: Life

"Just because the pounds went away ... doesn't mean any of the body complexes went away."
- Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Josh & Drake who lost over 100lbs.

For the last year and a half I've been trying to explain that to people! I never thought to put it quite like that and its such a simple statement.

I went from 242 lbs. to my current weight of 136 lbs. Everyone who sees me says the same thing, "Wow, you look great!" In my head I start thinking of the things that could use some work and some times I voice those feelings. The usual response is a scoff and a light, "Oh please..." which only frustrates the shit out of me but has opened my eyes to other things. Yes, I lost over 100 lbs., but what do you think happens to your skin when you lose that much weight so quickly? My arms are loose and flabby and even with working them out they don't seem to be tightening up (although when I flex there's a lil suttin suttin there LOL). Too many years full of extra weight. I have the same problem with my thighs. I JUST recently began wearing tanks and sleeveless shirts in public (depends on where I'm going) and I won't wear shorts that hit higher than just above the knee for the same reason. I won't even get started on how my belly looks with its 9 inch scar and loose skin. The truth is that just because someone is 150 lbs or less doesn't mean they're 100% happy with themselves. It doesn't mean they don't have problem areas or things they'd like to improve on. No one should just blow off someone's feelings because they don't have the same (weight) problems. The GREAT thing is that we can use those things people confide in us to help motivate one another to be the best ME/YOU/HER/ HIM we can be.

Bottom line is that at 242 lbs. my focus was getting down to a healthier weight, but I didn't put much effort into it. As long as there were places for me to shop, losing weight wasn't too high on my list. Crohn's Disease and being hospitalized almost every 3-4 months for the first 2 years of my disease is what pushed my weight down. Then I had to change they way I ate and what I ate which helped me get rid of even more weight. I can honestly say that if I didn't HAVE to eat properly (which I still don't do 100% of the time), I'd be back in size 16/18 real quick. As it is, I currently fluxuate between 132 lbs. & 146 lbs. That's almost 20 lbs!!! That's alot of fucking weight and ppl say, "so what, you wear it well" or "you look fine", but I don't feel fine. My knees start to hurt, my lower back pain return, and NONE of my clothes fit properly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a size 8 but a plus-size 18 lives inside of me...

If you got this far, I thank you and hope you found something to take away from this little rant.

Ileana
Pressed by a Fairie // 7:01 PM