At first listen, I only heard the chorus of Kelly Clarkson's Because of You song and thought, who hasn't been there. Who hasn't been burned at least once and now they 'play it safe'? Then I decided to look the lyrics up and read along while I listened to the song again and realized it isn't about a guy/girl at all! It's of a young woman, who grew up witnessing her mother's/father's relationship breaking up and suddenly found herself being the rock at a young age. This song is her stand against letting someone in and allowing them to run over her the way she perceived her 'rent(s) were walked over. It's a powerful song. Maybe I feel so deeply about it because I've been that little girl whose world was turned upside down by a nasty separation and then divorce. I'm not saying the song is an exact blow-by-blow of how I felt/feel. Just that I can definitely relate to the first few lines of the third verse. One major difference is that my mother didn't only think of herself. She may have lost her way for a little bit, and it took us (kids) banding together to bring her back. But once she was back and aware; she made it her goal to make sure we understood that just as we were first before the divorce, we'd continue to be her focal point. To reassure us that things would get better, one way or another. I can't say that at times I wasn't frustrated and moved to anger and bitterness that this was happening to my family. I can't sit here and say with a straight face that sometimes I wished to be the youngest child rather than the oldest. While my mother never bashed my father, never called him names, or spoke ill of him as a person, she did speak to me about how she was feeling. How the situation made her feel. Which many young kids might've been sucked in and in turn made their parent's bitterness their own. I knew better. While I had my own reasons for hating my father, at that time, they weren't because of the things my mother purged. They were my own. There were times when I didn't want to hear her words, words that seemed to be the, same day in and day out. Looking back, it was a natural response/reaction for a teen. The monotony of it all got to me. I would give her my opinions, my view as the outsider of the relationship she had with my father. How she was better off. I firmly believe that to this day. There were times when she seemed to get it. She would sit there and say to me the things I'd been saying to her. She was strong and she didn't need him. Then she'd backslide into some sort of cocoon and it would seriously piss me off. Especially when she seemed surprise by his callousness. It pissed me off that she'd let him back in and get all angry again when he hurt her. I look back and see that it's easy for someone who hasn't had children and built a life with a man they love to pass judgment. Well, not pass judgment so much as just get down right angry. It was easy for me to see the path she should take and easier for me to get angry when she'd digress. Wow, here I just meant to write an opening for the new song...I guess that's what this blog is for, a place to put down your thoughts. My mother has read my blog before. We discussed one of the entries (Men!!!) because she commented that it made her sound stupid. I felt a moment of guilt and then I buried it. I wasn't going to feel guilty for what I wrote, because it's my truth, it's how I saw things when I was a teen and I am/was just putting it out there. I explained to her that it's how it seemed to me when I was younger. The full truth is, we talk about those women everyday. We hear stories or see them on TV of women who are devastated when the man walks out on them. How they're lost and don't have a clue as to what comes next. It's nothing to be ashamed of because there are millions of people out there today who go through the same situation. She had two strikes against her from birth. 1) She was born a woman and 2) She was born a Latin woman. Either way she'd have been raised to cater to a man. That's what women back then did. Especially the Latinas. I regret that she misunderstood my entry, but I also hope that it opened her eyes. That she sees what we saw. That she understands that I sing her praise every day. It's one thing to be born and bred to do one thing and to actually fall prey to those expectations, and it's a totally different thing to break free from that mold. It did take my mom some time to realize she could do bad by her damn self, and even now she has her doubts about some things and let's him get away some others, but she's up on his game. She knows the game and anticipates his next move. I can't sit here and naively say that due to what I've been through that I don't have walls in place. I don't blame anyone for them because the truth is, they go beyond what my parents went through. My wall didn't just build itself, I layed the bricks one by one. It saddens me to admit that, yet I figure I can't be too far gone if I am aware of it and can speak about it. Oh and things are better between my father and us children. I've forgiven, but I'll never forget. Any way, my arm is starting to hurt. So here are the lyrics and the ones that are in bold letters are the ones I can relate to; the chorus holds no weight and neither does the outro chorus:
"Because Of You"
{V:1}*I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
{Chorus}
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
{V:2}I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
**I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
{Chorus}
{V:3}***I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
* I don't want you thinking that I'll never let anyone in and that it's all your fault. Just that as the old saying goes, "we learn from our mistakes." Those mistakes weren't my own, but I have taken a lesson away from the event. You and I know I am much too full of love to never allow myself the opportunity to lavish it upon someone and vice versa.
**I did force smiles to the world because I didn't know any other way of coping at the time. My way of dealing with stressful situations is to turn them into something humorous. And I have to say, I like that about myself, as do others.
***I did watch you die and it did hurt to hear you cry yourself to sleep, but I also watched you rise from that despair. I watched you rebuild yourself, with a little help from three Earth Angels. You exemplify everything I hope to be one day. A force to be reckoned with. A woman who may not always be sure of the next step, but is always willing to take it. Come what may. I only pray that I have a 1/4 of the courage and strength you have. You may say you're not courageous, you just react to what is given to you. That is the very definition. You may say you're not strong, you're just trying to survive. That too is the very definition. You Mom, are the embodiment of Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Woman.
~Lady Apprentice~
Pressed by a Fairie // 7:15 PM
